| I have to learn to stand on my own two feet. I have to learn to not be so dependant on others, but to fully rely on God and God only. What am I going to do when everything I thought I truly had all disappears? What I think is the most important thing now will be gone, and I'll have nothing. I'll have nothing, no one..and I'll depend on God then. I don't want to depend on God just because I need it and have nothing else. I think that would be quite selfish of me.. Along the path, I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I'm not quite sure what part, but maybe it's the part that knows what is wrong and what is right. I've never felt more lost in my life in that sense. I've always felt like I've turned away from what I know is wrong, yet these days, I knowingly choose to ignore them, push those thoughts away, and end up doing what I want to do. Then I realize, and tell myself I cannot live this way, but I've never found the courage to change how I act. Never found the courage.. I always end up going back to doing what I want to do. I want to change, but at the same time a part of me is asking, "Why bother?" Why bother changing how I am when it all seems good? ..I have to change because I'll never feel peace with myself. I'll never feel like what I am doing is right. I'll never be able to face God cleanly..truthfully. I am knowingly committing sin, and I've gone to the point where that voice inside of me, the one that tells me that this is wrong, has gone so weak that I can't hear it anymore..
I end up trying to fool myself by saying that this is okay, that this is acceptable, but in my heart, I feel otherwise. I've always been a person to follow her gut-feeling..ever since elementary. If I felt something was wrong, I wouldn't do it. I don't like the person I've become.
I got lost along the path, the path of righteousness I have to follow, and I want to find my way back. I want to feel clean. I'm sorry for everything I've said, and I don't want to lose you.. |
